Not A Good Day

Morn'n

i have not blogged in a few days but things have been a bit crazy around here. both me and my sister moved in with my brother in september because we were both having a hard time because we are both sick with almost the same symptoms, except that she has been sick longer than i have, so he asked us to move in. i feel like he has given up a lot and spent a lot of money on us since we moved in but we have helped out in other ways. but this is the sad part................ today my sister is moving out and i am truly going to miss her. its funny how sometimes things get on your nerves but all in all the three of us have had some fun times. its hard when you; meaning all three of us were living by ourselves and than we move into a 2 bedroom condo with 4 cats. so its been interesting some days, but still better than being by myself when i am sick. not that we are not all sick, but if you have read any of my posts you know i have been going round with health issues. well all of my brothers and sisters have some form of what i have, so its a family thing i guess. but anyway, they have both helped me so much and she will be missed even though i am sure she has no idea because she always feels like no one cares about her even when you tell her you do. so today is a sad day for me, because as the youngest one in the family i really never got to be around family much because they left before i was in my teens. so this was fun. we would talk about stuff that happened when we were kids while we had dinner or whatever, so even though its been hard sometimes its also been nice.

so i guess its time to get ready and go to the doctor once again.............. oh joy. he said he will give me a shot in the knee today because its so bad. i really need a knee replacement but will be waiting until i can no longer walk until i have that done.

love, light, & harmony
cindylew

Day 6

Well this will be short because its late already and time for me to hit the hay, but just thought i would put down a few more of my thoughts for the day. I did at least go for a small walk today and even got a little done on a canvas. Really not one of my better days, but the depression really never allows me to have any good days. i can't remember the last time i laughed or had a really good time. i just exist mostly. even when I'm with others i don't enjoy myself, i just exist is the best way to put it. i wish it was different but its not and im not sure how much longer i can take this. i feel like i live in a hole that i cant seem to get out of, even when i take a few steps out i just seem to slide back down farther than i actually made it up. so after all these years i have no reason to believe it will ever go away. its been too long now and ive pretty much given up on getting better or feeling better. i always hope that i will be able to grab on to my art and do something with it, but...........

i was just telling my family at dinner tonight that there are so many things i see on YT that i did years ago and now they are in style. i know i have or had so many ideas that i see people making tons of money on but had no idea it would ever even be looked at twice. but now with my depression so severe i dont  have the drive, ambition or the desire to do what i need to do. i want to create just to create but im not even doing that. even with doing a little on the canvas and the small amount in my journal i know that will not really matter, so i really am back to square one with nothing to show for it.

My Baby Girl - Sissy on her blanky and heating pad under it:-)

love, light, & harmony
cindylew

Day 5 - Not So Great

Hello,

Well today was not what I wanted it to be, but after my trip yesterday I really could not do much, so I didn't even get out for my walk. I hate it when I do this because it sets me back and it really does not take much for me to get right back into my bad habits. Its always harder on me because my husband comes home on Friday nights and kind of puts a whole new twist to our living arrangement, which is not the best right now. There are 4 adults and 4 kitties in a small 2 bedroom condo. Not that I'm complaining but its a lot of people and animals, but it works for us and once again, its better than being on the street. So hope to get up and be able to go for my walk tomorrow because I feel like someone beat me up today. For some reason I hurt so much after a trip that its hard to do anything the next day.

We still have not heard anything for my friend yet, but she gets worse as I am writing this and I just have no idea what to do for her. I often wonder what will happen to her if they cannot get her mental illness under some kind of control. Putting the drinking and whatever aside, the mental part of her issues are unbelievable.

Looking forward to the weekend and would really love to go to the convention, (i would love to meet Tim Holtz) but don't think that will happen, but I can always dream:-)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Love, Light, & Harmony
CindyLew

Trying To Help - Day 4 of My New Journey

hello,

no walks for me today, but i did have a most interesting day; one that one hopes to never have to deal with, but something that needed to be done so i trust i did the right thing. i have (we will call a friend) that has many issues, alcohol, drugs and mental combined; so i volunteered to take her to see a rehab facility today to check it out and see if it would be a good fit for her so she can hopefully get better. the sad thing is that she actually has everything that most of us want........... a business, a home, money in the bank and whatever else one needs to live these days but for some reason it is not enough. i am not even going to pretend that i understand the issues that she deals with on a daily basis. because as i see it, don't judge until you walk a mile in someones shoes, so i opt to try and help and trust that i make good choices while helping. knowing that i am not capable of even understanding what is going on in her head except a lot of self loathing that has been brought on since childhood. so.............. i've been up since 3:30 this morning with her texting me about getting to her house and picking her up because we have an 80 mile trip in front of us and we had to be there by 9am to meet with the program manager. so by 6am she is still not ready because she is so frazzled that she cannot function and get ready, so........i just say - get dressed and ill pick you up no matter how you look because they are just going to talk to her/us about the facility. so i get there and surprise, surprise, she is ready at least. maybe not in the best shape but ready, so i tell her to bring a blanket and a pillow and sleep on the way, figuring she had been drinking the night before. which of course is why she needs help, along with many other issues. so off we go, raining like crazy and still dark out. we get there on time. this is by far the worst i have ever seen her; mentally and otherwise so i trust they take her because she was really not able to interact with the program manager to explain her situation or ask questions. so i did the best i could and asked as many questions as i could think of. i guess in the back of my mind i want to make sure that the facility can help her as a whole and that they are equipped to take care and deal with all of the issues she has. so i asked and asked questions, so now we are waiting to get a phone call from them to talk to someone else about the "fit". im not convinced that this is the correct place, but i want her to get better but believe she needs long term care because we already know that short term, as in 2-3 months is not long enough (been there/done that). i cant believe that in our society that we do not have facilities that can help someone that has multiple issues unless you are poor or homeless. its a sad day when they will not take someone in because they are not a drugie off the street, eventhough they need help as much as any poor person i can think of. i wish with all my heart that i knew what the answer was for her because i would not want to be her for a minute, but the fact that the system has become so broken that there is no help for a middle class person is beyond me. i am at a lose as to what to do for her, but just keep trying until we find something that works. otherwise where does this leave her??????

got this off pinterest, but thought it fit the day

Love, Light, & Harmony
CindyLew

Day 3 - A New Beginning

Good Morning,

I had no idea that anyone would read my blog yesterday, so that was a surprise to me. When I started writing yesterday I thought I would use this as a kind of journal to keep track of things I am trying to work on. I have no idea how long this will last, but I am hoping that I will actually be able to continue on and get better. I have tried this before and just end up back at square one, but I have to keep trying.

I at least got out yesterday and went for a walk and went out for lunch for a change. I took the Ranger Journal that I purchased but just could not seem to work in it. Maybe its just too much to fast, so we will see. My brother helped me get some of my art supplies out so I will have to go through a few boxes and see what I can find. I want to create but the drive is still lacking. Funny, I gessoed two pages in my journal but that is as far as I got, so maybe I can do a little more today. I still have to go for my walk, so I trust that will happen after I get done here.

I am still very depressed but do not want to take pills for it because I am tired of taking pills for this or that so I am going to try and deal with this on my own and see how that works out for me. I would love to be pill free one day, but know that will never happen. I am working on finding new doctors in the area that I moved too but its hard because most doctors seem to think that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are symptoms that could be in your head, but the fact that I can only walk around for about an hour before I am so tired that I cannot get back to my car at times makes me wonder. This last doctor at least seemed to understand the amount of pain that I am in. Who cares that all of my family have some sort of the same disease that I have; with the exception of the ITP; which is a blood disease, but seems to be in remission at this time, so we will see about that. Of course that is just a few of the things that are wrong with me but I figure that is enough for me to think about. Besides that my ANA tests showed positive for Lupus the last 4 times I have taken the test. So we will see what happens there. I have to believe that this is what 2 long years of my husband being unemployed and the stress that we have been under has done to both of us. Because we are truly not the people we were even a few years ago, which is very sad for both of us and I guess that is just something we will have to learn to deal with.

My picture of the day:-) A person can at least dream!!!!!

I'll go for now and get that walk in and maybe even go through an art box.

Love, Light, & Happiness
CindyLew

A New Start

Good Morning,

I have not blogged in some time now and I know I have lost all of my followers but for now that is ok because that is what my life seems to be about. Picking up and starting over. I have lost everything I/we have worked our whole life for and now its time to pick up the pieces and start over. I am not sure how I will do it, but I trust that I can push myself to at least get out of bed and do something. 

We have gone from going out camping with friends, riding our quads every weekend and going places to losing our home and selling everything just to exist. Now I/we are living with my brother and my husband works out of town and comes home on the weekends. But I have to remember that there are many out there that are worse off than us and try and learn to move on and leave the anger behind because that is not helping. I know I am angry because not only have we lost everything, we are both sick. I have gone from working a full time job to being on disability and house ridden most of the time because of my illness. Lucky my husband; although not feeling well himself can still work and that my brother has been kind enough to take us in.

I think the worst is just knowing that we have worked our whole life to end up with nothing, but I try and remind myself that it must be for a reason; whatever that may be. I miss the days of working and having a life, going out with friends and doing the things a normal person does. Now most of my time is spent around the house with my kitties; which I am so thankful for because as odd as it may sound they keep me going at times. My brother has two cats also, so it has been an adjustment for all of us. My older sister is living with us also for now, but planning on moving out although I do not believe she can afford to live on her own, she has chosen to do this. 

I so believe life is all about the choices we make and I feel like I got lost along the way and hope to be able to pick up the pieces and get back to some kind of life. Nothing ever stays the same so I know it wont be my old life, but something new. 

I took out my art supplies for the first time yesterday, so I am hoping to go through them and start doing a little art if I can. That has always made me feel better. I remember when I first started drawing and painting that I would get up in the middle of the night because I was by myself and just do something in my art room because it made me so happy to create. Now I can't even get out of bed most days, so we will see how it goes. I am going to try and blog and journal at least a few days a week and maybe even make a YT video if I can get a camera setup. I really want to get back to creating and enjoying life again.

For now I am going to try and at least get out and walk around the block again and maybe open up one of my art boxes today. We will see.

Spike & Sissy

Until the next time.................

Love, Light & Happiness......
CindyLew