Day 6

Well this will be short because its late already and time for me to hit the hay, but just thought i would put down a few more of my thoughts for the day. I did at least go for a small walk today and even got a little done on a canvas. Really not one of my better days, but the depression really never allows me to have any good days. i can't remember the last time i laughed or had a really good time. i just exist mostly. even when I'm with others i don't enjoy myself, i just exist is the best way to put it. i wish it was different but its not and im not sure how much longer i can take this. i feel like i live in a hole that i cant seem to get out of, even when i take a few steps out i just seem to slide back down farther than i actually made it up. so after all these years i have no reason to believe it will ever go away. its been too long now and ive pretty much given up on getting better or feeling better. i always hope that i will be able to grab on to my art and do something with it, but...........

i was just telling my family at dinner tonight that there are so many things i see on YT that i did years ago and now they are in style. i know i have or had so many ideas that i see people making tons of money on but had no idea it would ever even be looked at twice. but now with my depression so severe i dont  have the drive, ambition or the desire to do what i need to do. i want to create just to create but im not even doing that. even with doing a little on the canvas and the small amount in my journal i know that will not really matter, so i really am back to square one with nothing to show for it.

My Baby Girl - Sissy on her blanky and heating pad under it:-)

love, light, & harmony
cindylew